Session six

Had had a stressful weekend with a family wedding which had been quite triggering. I had handled it well but I think I came into this session really drained and struggling.
Donna explained in detail how the brain copes when it experiences trauma. The primitive part of the brain takes over and you are totally in that part. Links to the more sophisticated parts of the brain are severed and you are basically just in survival mode. This explained to me why I was struggling with new members of the crisis team who kept trying to ask me my date of birth and how to spell my surname when I was in the middle of a crisis - not going to happen and now I know why. I just wish she could do some training for the crisis team as it is so embarrassing when they don’t know me and I can hardly talk or respond and desperately need grounding
Towards the end of the session I suddenly felt really sick and thought I was going to pass out- we did some breathing exercises which helped a bit but I left the session feeling really unsettled
I sat in my car and cried. Images from my childhood flashed in front of me and I just closed my eyes to try to stay safe and ground myself. Before I knew it it was 4 hours later and I was still stuck in my car. There was no way I could drive home. I rang the crisis team and a lady I don’t know basically told me to get a taxi (which I can’t do) or to get someone to fetch me. (Not going to happen as I’m embarrassed)
I just sat in my car, alone, lost and frightened. No real help from the crisis team so I knew not to ring back. I finally got home at 2am and crawled up to bed
I’m not sure if therapy is worth it if I have no support out of the session. It is brining up a lot for me

Session 5

I went to this session in the back of a week where I had been really struggling. It was my first week back at work and I had not been sleeping at all.
I just felt overwhelmed by my feelings of being inadequate and very overwhelmed.
I explained to Donna how I had tried to reach out for help To my children at the weekend and it was the first time I had tried to be honest that I was feeling low and struggling. We have a joint WhatsApp  group and I had posted on Saturday afternoon that I was low and tearful. Not one of my three children replied or responded and that made me feel very alone and very suicidal. Donna explained that as a child I would have cried out for help and no one would ever come and my children’s lack of response would act as a trigger reminding me that no one is coming and I’m on my own facing my demons. It made sense to me and Donna thought it would be good if we tried to do some inner child work at some point.
I had also cut my wrist and had it stitched in A& E which I call the walk of shame. I explained how little it made me feel when health professionals judged me instead of trying to understand and help me. Donna and I couldn’t think of what could have been put in place to help me but nothing is just not good enough
We looked at my sleep routine and discussed good sleep hygiene. I know the science and what not to do but it doesn’t seem to help. My head is too busy. Donna wondered if yoga would help and I have found a yoga lounge near where I live. Apparently yoga calms the vagel nerve and halts the production of serotonin. I will try to look into it and get the courage to go in my own.
I also said I would try to re-engage with groups that I used to go to - starting with knitting group tonight.
We didn’t really get much done today and it felt like a waste of a session but I wasn’t really in a good place to bring up or deal with anything more than what I’m carrying at the moment. I’m struggling to hold it all together and definitely putting a fake smile on my face when underneath I want to curl up and die. I’m not sure I can do this anymore - it hurts

Session 4

I had been having a really bad week and was feeling very agitated and unsettled when I went to this week’s session. Donna picked this up very quickly and we did some work on how she can recognise when I am in hyper arousal. The main signs are that I bite my hand and will often hold my head in my hands. I am also visibly agitated and I may talk a lot more quickly as my thoughts are racing.
We talked about how she could best support me when I present like this and Donna did some simple breathing exercises with me and a really effective and simple exercise where you clench and then release groups of muscles on the body, starting with the feet and going upwards through the body. I was a lot calmer after doing that exercise three times and will try to remember to do the same when I am struggling at home.
It seemed that seeing my timeline in front of me had really overwhelmed me the previous week and it had heightened my triggers. I explained to Donna that even simple things like sounds and smells had triggered me during the past week and I had had an upsetting experience in a sweet shop. I noticed some liquorice dib dabs on the counter and it took me straight back to my childhood. I felt sick and couldn’t breathe and had to leave the shop as I thought I was going to pass out. Donna asked me to write down all the triggers that I notice and we would eventually rank them in order of how much they affect me. The strongest ones we would talk about how I could avoid them or try to do some exposure therapy so that they don’t affect me. I have another session on Monday and haven’t started to write any down yet - oops. I think I want to take my time in identifying them so that I don’t miss any of the important ones. I guess there is no rush.
Towards the end of the session I admitted that I had taken an overdose last week as everything had just been overwhelming and my resilience had not been great. Donna wrote down what I had taken and gently told me not to leave it until the end of the session to tell her something so important as we didn’t have time to do a safety plan or talk about how I was going to cope over the next few days. I just didn’t want to disappoint her with what I had done but I can see the importance of being open and honest because of I am not then she won’t be able to help me.
It was a shorter session this week as Donna had car problems but I was really tired and was kind of glad it was a shorter session.
After each session I always treat myself to an ice cream from the ice cream van but because the school holidays are ending then I guess the van won’t be there next week and that is a shame. The ice cream man even knows my order!!!
This weekend I have felt very lonely and keep reflecting on all I have been through in my life. There are times when I really feel that I don’t want to carry on with my life but there is a survivor inside of me and I manage to keep going somehow
It is back to work this week after the holidays nd I am tired and not looking forward to being back. I think the therapy will help but I guess I have to go through the hard work first.

Third session

Before today’s session I wrote out my timeline. I drew a line along the middle of the paper and marked out the years of my life. Below the line I put all the negative experiences I had been through since birth and above the line all the positive experiences.
Just seeing my life on paper and taking in all I have been through was quite overwhelming.
Donna helped me to look at it in three distinct sections, my childhood, married life and being a single Mum. We talked for quite a while about what the next section of my life will be like and how I can move forward to leave behind ways of coping I have had during my life. My youngest daughter leaves home at the weekend and the next phase of my life will be the first time that I will be able to put myself first. It will be a massive change for me.
Looking at my childhood we talked about how I had coped with the trauma and my emotions. I remembered spending periods of time hiding in a wardrobe, making myself as small as possible. I wanted to hide and disappear. I did everything I could to not be noticed. I didn’t acknowledge my emotions and knew it was not safe to express how I was feeling. No one was there for me anyway so there was no point trying to be heard anyway. I learnt that I was not important and I could not trust anyone and that belief is still true today. I don’t let anyone get too close even now.
Donna introduces me to the polyvagal theory when talking about how I respond to triggers. It’s a bit like a cat and mouse. A mouse will play dead and shut down when it is caught but as soon as there is any chance of escape it will be hyper vigilant to get away alive. That is what happens to me when I disassociate and it makes sense now.
We talked about using a technique of anchoring to come back from triggers. This involves going to a safe place in your head and bringing that place alive. This helps to ground and anchor you away from the trigger and bring you back to a place of safety. I am going to try it by sitting on the beach in Thailand!!!
I managed to tell Donna how suicidal I had been feeling and how that was connected to my children moving on with their lives and feeling like it would be finally ok if I was not around anymore. I’m tired of fighting and pretending I’m ok and now seems like a good time to be able to end my life without causing too much distress. I’m not needed as much and everyone is just getting on with their lives. I’m tired and have had enough. That old familiar feeling of wanting to disappear. Donna helped me to recognise where that feeling comes from and that I have lots of things to still look forward to. We did a safety plan and I promised to let my CPN know I was struggling and would try to connect with a few friends for a coffee.
Today’s session really helped me to see where some of my coping strategies come from and negative behaviours and the impact of my early childhood. I have a long way to go but I want to move forward in the healthier and more positive way

Second session

After spending the morning at the hospital with my chest infection and being told I need an operation but am not stable enough to have a general anaesthetic I managed to still get to my appointment, feeling a bit battered, bruised and under the weather.

Donna checked in how I was and straight away gently challenged me about how I am feeling and where the roots of that feeling and my behaviour that went with it came from. I explained that I have been poorly and felt very alone and isolated. No one had checked in on me or been there for me and it felt a tough place to be. I felt like I didn't deserve any help and that I couldn't rely on anyone to be there for me. We looked at where this belief came from and identified that throughout my life I really had had no one to support me but was that the same now or am I just reverting back to learnt behaviour? I realised that I do have friends and my children but I never reach out and ask for help. I fear that my house is not clean and that I look a mess and I don't want to be judged. My Mum always judged me and gave me a hard time when I was a single Mum, working full time and trying to hold everything together. She would criticise but never help me. Donna encouraged me to reach out to one person this week and see if they would come and see he or even meet for a drink. 

When I got home I rang my friend Kate and we spoke for a while - she was shocked that I had been so poorly and she didn't know. She asked if she could do anything to help and is going to come and see me. That felt so much better and then also gave me the courage to speak to my children and three other friends. By the end of the day I was not feeling as low and isolated and was also able to relate to where I got that behaviour of isolating myself and not being able to trust from and simple things I can do to move forward with that.

We had an initial go at doing a timeline of my life from my birth onwards. That was pretty difficult and looking back now I realise that I missed some pretty important events and I thought it would have been better to have spent some time last week writing some things down to take with me. Donna thought it would be good to get some paper next week and to do a visual time line just to highlight all that I have survived in my life.

She asked some quite detailed questions around certain events and I began to feel very sick and began to use my coping mechanism of looking for something in the room to fixate on, to keep me in the present. Weirdly there was a barcode sticker on a plug socket and I found myself counting the lines on the bars!

My life was hard right from the beginning. I was a premature poorly baby and had to have two blood transfusions on the day I was born. Going from my knowledge of attachment I realised that as a poorly baby left in hospital I missed those crucial early bonding experiences and time with my family. No wonder Mum was so distant and I definitely had symptoms of attachment disorder. Not a good start in life! I laughed because throughout my childhood I was so good. I did well at school, never got into trouble, behaved myself, was sporty and popular and looking back I wish that I had been really naughty and had given my parent's hell but I didn't.

My parents adopted a little boy when I was 6 and they treated him so badly. They threatened to send him back to the children's home every day and often hurt him. A few years ago he told me that he doesnt have mental health problems because he had me and I loved him and looked after him. It shouldn't have been like that and our lives were so messed up but no one really cared back then and abuse just wasn't talked about.

Going over the years when I was married and what happened when my husband left. I had forgotten what a turbulent time that final year of my marriage was. My daughter had an accident with a brain injury, I had a head on car crash and broke my shoulder in three places, I lost a baby girl at 22 weeks and then my husband abandoned me and left me on my own with three young children. He would often empty our bank account and leave me with nothing to feed the children with and I had no one to help me. He came back briefly and kidnapped our youngest child taking her back to Thailand and I had to go and fetch her back. Then he came home at Christmas and on the last night raped me and left he in a physical and mental mess. He has never hurt me physically before. His last words to me were .No one will want you now'

I guess I'm still reeling from getting everything out in the open with another person but I'm also thinking that it's no wonder I struggle as I have been through so much in my life. I.m brginning to make links between what I've been through and how I think and act and I hope that Donna can keep helping me to make sense of it all and to challenge my ways of thinking and behaving.

She talked about some inner child work and also some work to look at how I deal with triggers and emotions. I'm beginning to realise that I often feel angry but I don't know what to do with that anger.

My flashbacks were vivid last night and I found myself in the kitchen in the middle of the night but I hadn't hurt myself. Richard from the crisis team helped to calm me down and keep me safe. I guess I'm going to be a bit unsettled for the next few days but I really do think that the therapy is going to be worth it.

First week

This has been a tough week. Still can’t shake the chest infection despite antibiotics, inhalers and steroids. Had to spend the week resting and behaving myself - which is not easy. Had planned to go out and meet some friends and was supposed to be babysitting for my brother. Had to cancel everything and not one person has asked how I am or checked up on me. It really proves that when you’re feeling low you really are on your own. Haven’t even had the energy to go to the corner shop to get some milk - back at GP’s tomorrow and she threatened hospital if there wasn’t any improvement!

Have had lots of time with my head this week going over the content of last week’s session. There has definitely been a major shift in the intensity of my nightmares and flashbacks. I wonder if it is because I have somewhere safe to deal with them. Something I haven’t had for a king time now.

My flashbacks are very vivid and for a few weeks now I’ve been able to see me in the middle of them. For the first time ever this week I heard my voice and it shocked me as I was laughing and saying that something ‘felt nice’ Not at all what I had expected. That brought with it lots of questions and confusion. Did I ask for what was done to do me? I recognised my voice, where I was and who I was with but my idea of reality was very different from what I saw. I hope I have the opportunity and courage to talk to Donna about it tomorrow

Feeling low and isolated alongside being poorly so this week has not been a good one. Feel like I’m good at letting everyone down but maybe I just need to concentrate on getting stronger so that I can do the things I want to. Time to be selfish and look after me.

Will let you know how tomorrow goes - yikes!!!

First session

After waiting a long time I finally had my first session with Donna, a psychotherapist. The label on the tin said Trauma Therapy but I'm not really sure what she is going to do with me, how many sessions I have or what they will look like

I do know that I need to do something. My disassociation is so bad that I took an overdose whilst in a dissociated state last week and that is dangerous. My nightmares and flashbacks are vivid and all over the place and I desperately need to make some sense from all this disorder.

Today was probably not a good time to start therapy. This week I gave had a kidney and chest infection and am feeling pretty rough. My youngest daughter is moving away from home in 2 weeks to live in London and I recently lost my amazing dog, Lola - but I guess there never will be a good time to start. There is always something going on.

Donna was open and friendly and she put me at ease straight away. She talked about how we will be going over past trauma and doing a written life line so that we can move forward. That sounded pretty scary but I'm happy to go with it.

I explained that I had never really gone over past trauma in detail as it often unsettles me and I can't cope. She said that we would take it a bit at a time. A lot of my memories were sounds, textures, smells etc but more recently I have been in the centre of the chaos and I now see more clearly the events playing around me. I'm not yet actively part of what is happening but I think that is something that my mind does to keep me safe. I now know what is happening, where I am and who else is there. I'm glad that I can still stay detached.

When I am in a place of recalling past trauma body senses are heightened. I can smell him, hear very clearly and I can feel the pain acutely. Afterwards I feel like I have been in a washing machine! I feel battered and bruised and I just need to curl up in the foetal position on the floor. I will often be incontinent - how will I deal with that during therapy? I have a lot to learn and a lot of questions.

Donna wanted to talk about having a contract where I couldn't be actively suicidal or self harm during the period of our therapy and I find that a challenge as only ever really hurt myself in a dissociated state that I have no control over. How will I know if going over all this trauma will cause me to be suicidal or make my mental health worse? I didn't feel I could sign anything but I did say I could be honest and open about how I was feeling and we could regularly check in to see how I was doing. A contract would make no difference. She seemed happy with my reply but I felt that she had put me under some pressure to 'behave' or 'be stronger' but nothing has changed yet. It felt like a challenge but I'm not giving in.

My homework for this week is to rest to get rid of my chest infection and that sounded ok to me so I guess the hard work starts next week - scary!

Will keep you posted how it goes