Session six

Had had a stressful weekend with a family wedding which had been quite triggering. I had handled it well but I think I came into this session really drained and struggling.
Donna explained in detail how the brain copes when it experiences trauma. The primitive part of the brain takes over and you are totally in that part. Links to the more sophisticated parts of the brain are severed and you are basically just in survival mode. This explained to me why I was struggling with new members of the crisis team who kept trying to ask me my date of birth and how to spell my surname when I was in the middle of a crisis - not going to happen and now I know why. I just wish she could do some training for the crisis team as it is so embarrassing when they don’t know me and I can hardly talk or respond and desperately need grounding
Towards the end of the session I suddenly felt really sick and thought I was going to pass out- we did some breathing exercises which helped a bit but I left the session feeling really unsettled
I sat in my car and cried. Images from my childhood flashed in front of me and I just closed my eyes to try to stay safe and ground myself. Before I knew it it was 4 hours later and I was still stuck in my car. There was no way I could drive home. I rang the crisis team and a lady I don’t know basically told me to get a taxi (which I can’t do) or to get someone to fetch me. (Not going to happen as I’m embarrassed)
I just sat in my car, alone, lost and frightened. No real help from the crisis team so I knew not to ring back. I finally got home at 2am and crawled up to bed
I’m not sure if therapy is worth it if I have no support out of the session. It is brining up a lot for me

Session 5

I went to this session in the back of a week where I had been really struggling. It was my first week back at work and I had not been sleeping at all.
I just felt overwhelmed by my feelings of being inadequate and very overwhelmed.
I explained to Donna how I had tried to reach out for help To my children at the weekend and it was the first time I had tried to be honest that I was feeling low and struggling. We have a joint WhatsApp  group and I had posted on Saturday afternoon that I was low and tearful. Not one of my three children replied or responded and that made me feel very alone and very suicidal. Donna explained that as a child I would have cried out for help and no one would ever come and my children’s lack of response would act as a trigger reminding me that no one is coming and I’m on my own facing my demons. It made sense to me and Donna thought it would be good if we tried to do some inner child work at some point.
I had also cut my wrist and had it stitched in A& E which I call the walk of shame. I explained how little it made me feel when health professionals judged me instead of trying to understand and help me. Donna and I couldn’t think of what could have been put in place to help me but nothing is just not good enough
We looked at my sleep routine and discussed good sleep hygiene. I know the science and what not to do but it doesn’t seem to help. My head is too busy. Donna wondered if yoga would help and I have found a yoga lounge near where I live. Apparently yoga calms the vagel nerve and halts the production of serotonin. I will try to look into it and get the courage to go in my own.
I also said I would try to re-engage with groups that I used to go to - starting with knitting group tonight.
We didn’t really get much done today and it felt like a waste of a session but I wasn’t really in a good place to bring up or deal with anything more than what I’m carrying at the moment. I’m struggling to hold it all together and definitely putting a fake smile on my face when underneath I want to curl up and die. I’m not sure I can do this anymore - it hurts