After waiting a long time I finally had my first session with Donna, a psychotherapist. The label on the tin said Trauma Therapy but I'm not really sure what she is going to do with me, how many sessions I have or what they will look like
I do know that I need to do something. My disassociation is so bad that I took an overdose whilst in a dissociated state last week and that is dangerous. My nightmares and flashbacks are vivid and all over the place and I desperately need to make some sense from all this disorder.
Today was probably not a good time to start therapy. This week I gave had a kidney and chest infection and am feeling pretty rough. My youngest daughter is moving away from home in 2 weeks to live in London and I recently lost my amazing dog, Lola - but I guess there never will be a good time to start. There is always something going on.
Donna was open and friendly and she put me at ease straight away. She talked about how we will be going over past trauma and doing a written life line so that we can move forward. That sounded pretty scary but I'm happy to go with it.
I explained that I had never really gone over past trauma in detail as it often unsettles me and I can't cope. She said that we would take it a bit at a time. A lot of my memories were sounds, textures, smells etc but more recently I have been in the centre of the chaos and I now see more clearly the events playing around me. I'm not yet actively part of what is happening but I think that is something that my mind does to keep me safe. I now know what is happening, where I am and who else is there. I'm glad that I can still stay detached.
When I am in a place of recalling past trauma body senses are heightened. I can smell him, hear very clearly and I can feel the pain acutely. Afterwards I feel like I have been in a washing machine! I feel battered and bruised and I just need to curl up in the foetal position on the floor. I will often be incontinent - how will I deal with that during therapy? I have a lot to learn and a lot of questions.
Donna wanted to talk about having a contract where I couldn't be actively suicidal or self harm during the period of our therapy and I find that a challenge as only ever really hurt myself in a dissociated state that I have no control over. How will I know if going over all this trauma will cause me to be suicidal or make my mental health worse? I didn't feel I could sign anything but I did say I could be honest and open about how I was feeling and we could regularly check in to see how I was doing. A contract would make no difference. She seemed happy with my reply but I felt that she had put me under some pressure to 'behave' or 'be stronger' but nothing has changed yet. It felt like a challenge but I'm not giving in.
My homework for this week is to rest to get rid of my chest infection and that sounded ok to me so I guess the hard work starts next week - scary!
Will keep you posted how it goes
I do know that I need to do something. My disassociation is so bad that I took an overdose whilst in a dissociated state last week and that is dangerous. My nightmares and flashbacks are vivid and all over the place and I desperately need to make some sense from all this disorder.
Today was probably not a good time to start therapy. This week I gave had a kidney and chest infection and am feeling pretty rough. My youngest daughter is moving away from home in 2 weeks to live in London and I recently lost my amazing dog, Lola - but I guess there never will be a good time to start. There is always something going on.
Donna was open and friendly and she put me at ease straight away. She talked about how we will be going over past trauma and doing a written life line so that we can move forward. That sounded pretty scary but I'm happy to go with it.
I explained that I had never really gone over past trauma in detail as it often unsettles me and I can't cope. She said that we would take it a bit at a time. A lot of my memories were sounds, textures, smells etc but more recently I have been in the centre of the chaos and I now see more clearly the events playing around me. I'm not yet actively part of what is happening but I think that is something that my mind does to keep me safe. I now know what is happening, where I am and who else is there. I'm glad that I can still stay detached.
When I am in a place of recalling past trauma body senses are heightened. I can smell him, hear very clearly and I can feel the pain acutely. Afterwards I feel like I have been in a washing machine! I feel battered and bruised and I just need to curl up in the foetal position on the floor. I will often be incontinent - how will I deal with that during therapy? I have a lot to learn and a lot of questions.
Donna wanted to talk about having a contract where I couldn't be actively suicidal or self harm during the period of our therapy and I find that a challenge as only ever really hurt myself in a dissociated state that I have no control over. How will I know if going over all this trauma will cause me to be suicidal or make my mental health worse? I didn't feel I could sign anything but I did say I could be honest and open about how I was feeling and we could regularly check in to see how I was doing. A contract would make no difference. She seemed happy with my reply but I felt that she had put me under some pressure to 'behave' or 'be stronger' but nothing has changed yet. It felt like a challenge but I'm not giving in.
My homework for this week is to rest to get rid of my chest infection and that sounded ok to me so I guess the hard work starts next week - scary!
Will keep you posted how it goes
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