Before today’s session I wrote out my timeline. I drew a line along the middle of the paper and marked out the years of my life. Below the line I put all the negative experiences I had been through since birth and above the line all the positive experiences.
Just seeing my life on paper and taking in all I have been through was quite overwhelming.
Donna helped me to look at it in three distinct sections, my childhood, married life and being a single Mum. We talked for quite a while about what the next section of my life will be like and how I can move forward to leave behind ways of coping I have had during my life. My youngest daughter leaves home at the weekend and the next phase of my life will be the first time that I will be able to put myself first. It will be a massive change for me.
Looking at my childhood we talked about how I had coped with the trauma and my emotions. I remembered spending periods of time hiding in a wardrobe, making myself as small as possible. I wanted to hide and disappear. I did everything I could to not be noticed. I didn’t acknowledge my emotions and knew it was not safe to express how I was feeling. No one was there for me anyway so there was no point trying to be heard anyway. I learnt that I was not important and I could not trust anyone and that belief is still true today. I don’t let anyone get too close even now.
Donna introduces me to the polyvagal theory when talking about how I respond to triggers. It’s a bit like a cat and mouse. A mouse will play dead and shut down when it is caught but as soon as there is any chance of escape it will be hyper vigilant to get away alive. That is what happens to me when I disassociate and it makes sense now.
We talked about using a technique of anchoring to come back from triggers. This involves going to a safe place in your head and bringing that place alive. This helps to ground and anchor you away from the trigger and bring you back to a place of safety. I am going to try it by sitting on the beach in Thailand!!!
I managed to tell Donna how suicidal I had been feeling and how that was connected to my children moving on with their lives and feeling like it would be finally ok if I was not around anymore. I’m tired of fighting and pretending I’m ok and now seems like a good time to be able to end my life without causing too much distress. I’m not needed as much and everyone is just getting on with their lives. I’m tired and have had enough. That old familiar feeling of wanting to disappear. Donna helped me to recognise where that feeling comes from and that I have lots of things to still look forward to. We did a safety plan and I promised to let my CPN know I was struggling and would try to connect with a few friends for a coffee.
Today’s session really helped me to see where some of my coping strategies come from and negative behaviours and the impact of my early childhood. I have a long way to go but I want to move forward in the healthier and more positive way
Just seeing my life on paper and taking in all I have been through was quite overwhelming.
Donna helped me to look at it in three distinct sections, my childhood, married life and being a single Mum. We talked for quite a while about what the next section of my life will be like and how I can move forward to leave behind ways of coping I have had during my life. My youngest daughter leaves home at the weekend and the next phase of my life will be the first time that I will be able to put myself first. It will be a massive change for me.
Looking at my childhood we talked about how I had coped with the trauma and my emotions. I remembered spending periods of time hiding in a wardrobe, making myself as small as possible. I wanted to hide and disappear. I did everything I could to not be noticed. I didn’t acknowledge my emotions and knew it was not safe to express how I was feeling. No one was there for me anyway so there was no point trying to be heard anyway. I learnt that I was not important and I could not trust anyone and that belief is still true today. I don’t let anyone get too close even now.
Donna introduces me to the polyvagal theory when talking about how I respond to triggers. It’s a bit like a cat and mouse. A mouse will play dead and shut down when it is caught but as soon as there is any chance of escape it will be hyper vigilant to get away alive. That is what happens to me when I disassociate and it makes sense now.
We talked about using a technique of anchoring to come back from triggers. This involves going to a safe place in your head and bringing that place alive. This helps to ground and anchor you away from the trigger and bring you back to a place of safety. I am going to try it by sitting on the beach in Thailand!!!
I managed to tell Donna how suicidal I had been feeling and how that was connected to my children moving on with their lives and feeling like it would be finally ok if I was not around anymore. I’m tired of fighting and pretending I’m ok and now seems like a good time to be able to end my life without causing too much distress. I’m not needed as much and everyone is just getting on with their lives. I’m tired and have had enough. That old familiar feeling of wanting to disappear. Donna helped me to recognise where that feeling comes from and that I have lots of things to still look forward to. We did a safety plan and I promised to let my CPN know I was struggling and would try to connect with a few friends for a coffee.
Today’s session really helped me to see where some of my coping strategies come from and negative behaviours and the impact of my early childhood. I have a long way to go but I want to move forward in the healthier and more positive way
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